My friend told me that one of her friends met her spouse through Plenty Of Fish. It’s like match.com only free; that sounds good, because I’m willing to still poke around a bit but unwilling to pay for it. I sign up.
The pictures are oddly familiar and it doesn’t take me long to realize that these are all the exact same people I was seeing on match. Mr Unusual is here, inevitably, although his profile lacks a picture and some key facts are altered – like he was just poking around and changed his mind.
I immediately begin to get emails: lots of them, most of them just one word. “sup.” “hi.” If i had a dollar for every one-word email I got, I could buy match.com and put it out of business, and put all these people out of their misery.
There are lots of fish jokes in the profile. Jump on my hook. Here fishy, fishy.
There are lots of pictures of motorcycles and cars. Lots of pictures taken with cameraphones in the mirror. Lots of tattoos.
One day, I get and email from username “thepunisher.” His profile has eight pictures of itty-bitty dogs.
The Punisher seems like the kind of user name that should have, I don’t know, Rottweiler pictures, but this guy has a gaggle of Paris Hilton dogs. Although I guess that’s a kind of punishment, too.
I think perhaps he’s being ironic. Crap.I re-read the profile to see if I missed something. Maybe he’s smarter than I think. There’s a picture of him in a big-ass cowboy hat that tells me, No, you were right the first time.
Big ass cowboy hat + eight itty-bitty dogs = I feel like there’s a joke in there somewhere.
Or perhaps a magic show.
I know there are many people who meet their soulmates online. But after a few months of this, even I’m tired of the jokes. There have to be better ways to spend my time.
Do I even need a soulmate?